9 + 1 Things I've Learned About Marriage

9 + 1 Things I’ve Learned About Marriage in the First 9 + 1 Weeks of Marriage

Ok, it’s been 13 weeks – that flew by! I guess I’m a newly wed expert, right?? My husband and I got

married on a peaceful Saturday in September in my hometown in Alberta. If I could bundle up our wedding day in a word it was be ‘bliss’.

To give you the microwavable version of our relationship: we met at my sister and his brother’s wedding, (yes, two sisters married two brothers – it’s legal, believe me I researched it)! He lived in Illinois and I in Alberta, two countries a part, but thankfully only an hour time difference! Power to all those who have a half a world of time changes a part from each other to figure out. We dated for 9 months long distance, meeting in various locations with friends and family, talking late into the night and sometimes falling asleep with FaceTime on. I’ll be posting the “9+1 things I learned dating long distance” soon.

Fast forward to March 26: he proposed in the snowy back woods of my childhood home. It was perfect and I was taken by surprise! I knew in my heart we would get married and we never left our intentions of pursuing a relationship with each other to chance. Again, speed up to September. After planning a wedding and two receptions (one in Canada and the other in USA), our day came. We were so blessed by all those who helped and gathered to celebrate our union.

So here we are today, living in Illinois, 13 weeks in! There are oodles to learn and believe me this is the tip of the ice burg, but here are the ‘9 + 1’ things we’ve learned and keep on learning:

1. Communication. Ok, after a long distance relationship where we could only talk, I thought I had this down. I thought I was a great communicator; I’m a writer, I’m a speaker, so this should be a piece of cake, right? I realized quickly that my husband is SUPER good at cutting to the chase and speaking his mind. He can get his thoughts figured out way faster than I can and this really took a stab at my self-confidence. I had to learn how I communicate with him all over again, and he had to learn I need internal processing time. I need wait time. Be careful that if you both get into a space were communication gets tough, give each other grace and wait time and learn how you/they communicate all over again – it is different in dating, engagement and marriage. So, I write him a letter or he lets me go on a walk to sort it out in my head if the words are not coming and I’m evaluating where it is all at. But, in the end I get it out. Going to bed angry, hurt, or upset SUCKS. Avoid it if you can.

1. Doubt. What did I get myself into?! I was independent, happy, and confident and now I’m living with a man, in a new country, with all my friends and family back in Canada. Honestly, I’ve had low moments. I’ve questioned the quickness of my decisions and thought (oh boy) “giving up is so easy”. When you have an argument or your feeling lonely, it’s not wrong, don’t condemn yourself – but pray! Communicate how you are feeling, be honest about it, and realize marriage is something the Enemy hates. He hates unity and will always look to divide what God has joined together. I’ve never felt so actively engaged in a battle over my Spirit as I have being married. Good things are ahead! Keep pressing on.

1. Humility. Oh man, I didn’t realize how much pride I have. I say things I don’t mean, I can be super stubborn, and one sided. Ok, so I’m human. Welcome to the show. Give each other grace to figure this marriage thing out. Marriage is a refining fire. A good one. I know that everything I learn and have exposed in myself is making me a stronger person. After all, humility is a good thing, right?

1. Laugh. A lot. Have fun. Play games. Keep dating. Have sex. Enjoy this beautiful season of life. It’s often overlooked because we think it will just happen organically, but in all the busyness of life, make sure you both plan for it and enjoy each other.

1. Forgive. Along with communication and humility, forgive each other quickly. Don’t put it off. And forgive even when you don’t feel like it. Unfortunately, feelings will ultimately try to govern your relationship. That’s not what is supposed to take control. Your Spirit is. This has been the hardest one for me. Even after I forgive a voice will tell me “you did that too quickly”, “you didn’t mean it”. Well, mean it. Don’t be controlled by your emotions or before you know it your husband leaving all his shaved whiskers on the bathroom vanity will go from he doesn’t care, to he doesn’t care about me, to he doesn’t respect me, to he doesn’t love me, to why on earth did I marry him! Stop it. Forgive. Communicate. Always be humble and kind. And to yourself too. It’s super hard to forgive yourself. My hubby and I have put into practice what we’ve learned from our parents – when someone asks for forgiveness, you say “I forgive you”. But, after I ask for forgiveness, if needed, I need to say “I forgive myself” too. You are learning. I am learning. You’re not going to be a rock star spouse 13 weeks or even 13 years in. But, you can be a rock star at practicing unity and fighting against the Enemy – not each other.

1. Appreciate. So I didn’t realize how much of a hunter I married. I married a full-blown hunter. Early mornings, hijacked laundry schedule, dead animals, and ‘widow’ weekends. It’s taken me all of this years hunting ‘season’ (because, really, it doesn’t fully end) to realize that my husband loves hunting… more than I love getting my nails done. I’m learning to appreciate his ‘hobbies’ and give him space to enjoy them. I had to fight feelings of being abandoned – a new wife in a foreign country (so, dramatic). Learn to appreciate your differences, ask God what this gives you time for and how can you show love, because well, I married a hunter and it’s a good hobby all things considered. If you can, go with him, see what his hobby is all about. I’ve gone out with him and spent time learning about that difference, which is so important to growing together as man and wife.

1. Dream. Share what’s on your mind and heart. I have dreams. He has dreams. We talked a lot about this while we were dating; it gave us vigour and joy. Once we were engaged, the talks about the future slowed down a little. We’re planning a wedding and we can pursue our big dreams later. After getting married and moving, thoughts of condemnation from the Enemy would fly into my head that I was doing pointless stuff with my life. It became so clear to me that we stopped talking about our dreams. So! Keep talking about your dreams as a couple – pray together about them, encourage one another in them, speak life over each other’s dreams. Not only is it important to your heart, it continues to breathe life into your callings as a couple. This is key to growing together.

1. Community. I’m in a unique situation where I’ve moved far away from friends and family. So adding new ones is a process. However, the principal of community doesn’t change. I learned while we were

dating that I needed to let my man have his friends. I am not a guy; I can’t offer the same friendship that his guy friends can. The same is for my friends and I. Find a healthy balance for your husband to still engage with his friends and you with yours. Don’t maroon yourself on an island and ignore your previous life. Those people hopefully loved, supported and gave you council and were a blessing to you. I knew I would not fulfill the role of hunting buddy or mechanics guy. It is important to create space and invite others into your relationship – not only to support you both as a couple, but to allow you an appropriate amount of time and space to serve and bless others too. Also, look for couples that are leading Godly lifestyles as husband and wife. Look for mentorship and seek council as a couple from others who have gone before you. Don’t isolate your marriage, instead invite it into doing life well with others to keep you accountable and receive wisdom from.

1. God. Obviously, this one should be number one. It’s the reason I write. It’s the reason my husband and I got married. God is at the center of our relationship. So pray together. We continued to pray together and for each other before we went to bed throughout our dating and engagement. This didn’t change when we got married. Spend time praying for your spouse alone, but also do it together. Intentionally ask your spouse what they need prayer for – you are not a mind reader and won’t know it all. Bless your loved one openly and in front of others. Go to church together, read scripture together. You don’t need to start a bible study and lead a small group, but the quality of your relationship is deepened by the quantity of time pursuing God together.

And “+ 1” is brought to you by my hubby!

10. Men, I cannot tell you enough how important it is when you get married or even begin a serious relationship to do a double check on your priorities. How am I spending my time, what are little things that I do that are either uplifting or degrading to this new covenant? I’ve spent the last few months since our marriage learning just how important it is to make sure that my wife is important to me. Especially because we dated long distance I had loads of time to myself to spend any which way that I wanted. Guess what, kiss it bye-bye, and start realizing just how amazing it is that there’s a gorgeous human being out there who actually wants to be with your stinky, sweaty, sawdust covered, camo wearing self. I’ll admit it was very tough a few times sitting in my tree stand or building something in my shop or even tinkering around on my truck, trying not to feel like I was letting down my new bride by not spending time with her. DO NOT give up the little things that make you YOU, but simply learn how to prioritize these things. It’s insanely important. God is number one, your wife is number two, but remember number three. Thanks for reading my muddled thoughts; I ain’t as good at writing as my wife is. Seriously, so much backspacing. God bless ya.

#christian #home #reality #truth